Say the word ‘no’ to a persistent toddler and you can almost guarantee a tantrum will follow! According to author Lou Harvey-Zahra, how you respond to your toddler can be worded in such a way as to avoid meltdowns while still keeping the boundaries. In this extract from her book, Lou shows you how to do it.

Getting creative

Did you know that there are many ways to say the word ‘no’? A little creativity can definitely avoid a tantrum. Play a game with yourself; try not to say the word ‘no’ to your toddler today. Save the word for dangerous or unhealthy situations definitely shout ‘no’ when your child is about to run onto the road!).

Avoiding the word ‘no’ does not mean allowing your child to do whatever they please; most definitely not. This can be a misunderstood tool; it does not mean to cave in to avoid a scene, or to say ‘yes’ when your better judgement is ‘no’. ‘No’ often means not now, I am busy, or not in that way. A child’s requests are often fine if reconsidered in a modified form, or if given a suitable timeslot later in the day or week. Saying ‘no’ a different way so that your child feels heard, his request acknowledged, provides a win-win situation for everyone, even though the outcome is still in your hands.

Often as parents, we say ‘no’ when it could be ‘yes’ with a little creativity. Explain to your child in a fun and reassuring way when her request can happen, or offer another interesting choice or activity instead. If the child still asks for the first thing, stand your ground and repeat your creative answer [see Talk the Talk, right]. If our children keep repeating their original request, my husband sometimes pipes up (with a grin), ‘I am the boss, you are not the boss, I am the boss!’

No means no

Of course, some things are a definite ‘no’, especially if they’re related to danger or unhealthy habits. Every family has their own personal boundaries over specific activities, food choices and so on. If you know that the request will never be granted, then after saying ‘no’ (and offering an appropriate alternative if deemed suitable), provide a short, age-appropriate explanation as to why. This teaches the young child appropriate choices for the future. If the child knows that the activities or food choice will never be given, or will only be allowed in a specific weekly rhythm, this can ease a child’s pestering.

Consistency is the key.

Often, when parents are in a hurry they say ‘no’ as an immediate response. If the word is creatively changed for small, everyday requests, everyone will be smiling. ‘We’ll see’ is a good phrase to have up your sleeve, as you make your mind up, or as a neutral response instead for ‘No’. For older children, ‘no’ (combined with a short explanation) can be used more frequently, as the child develops stronger reasoning skills. If a young child expresses a desire, finding a creative way to meet that desire generally results in a happier child. It also teaches good skills for life as they learn to fulfil your requests, and other people’s, creatively too!

Extracted from Turning Tears Into Laughter: Creative Discipline for the Toddler to Preschool Years by Lou Harvey-Zahra, Five Mile Press, rrp $12.95

Top tips

It will take time for this tool to become a habit, to create alternatives to the word ‘no’ while still holding the boundaries. Here are a few ideas from my parent group to help with creative answers:

• ‘Yes, when we have finished with…’ Explain when it can happen, if the request cannot happen right away.
• ‘Yes, how about this…’ Give an alternative choice that is more in keeping with your boundaries.
• ‘That’s a great idea, how about we do it…’ Suggest an alternative time.
• ‘Let me place it here (place food or activity somewhere) so we remember for later.’
• ‘Okay, what about …’ Give an alternative choice or later time.
• ‘I would love to, how about we do it…’ Again, explain a suitable time, or alternative choice.
• ‘One more and that’s it,’ when responding to requests for play.
• ‘A little bit and that’s all,’ when responding to requests for food.

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