Attachment parenting? What is it?

For some, attachment parenting conjures up visions of hippy ladies with bare-bottomed bubs strapped to their bodies all day long and is a little too ‘out there’ to contemplate. For others, it can seem like a lovely ideal, but one that’s just too hard to live up to in this modern world with so many demands and not enough loving arms to share the load. But it’s actually not that difficult to incorporate elements of attachment parenting into everyday life with your baby.

Getting attached

At it’s heart, attachment parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parent and child through kindness, respect and dignity. The parenting style was given its name by US paediatrician William Sears, who is renowned for his advocacy of responsive parenting. He supports practices that encourage bonding, such as natural birth, breastfeeding, baby-wearing and co-sleeping.

The advice of attachment parenting is based on the psychology of attachment theory and also recent brain research showing that early responsiveness to a baby’s needs can have positive lifelong effects on social and emotional development. And, although parents who practice the philosophy may also embrace other practices like elimination communication (nappy-free babies) and later home schooling, these options are seen as personal choices rather than prerequisites for bonding with your bub.

There is no one-size-fits-all recipe for an attached (or any other) parenting style. Also, there is no perfect score for aspiring attachment parents – for example, having birth interventions or not breastfeeding doesn’t exclude you from being a responsive, loving parent. However, the Attachment Parenting International organisation (www.attach
mentparenting.org), does offer basic principles to help parents understand and identify their children’s needs so they can become better attuned to and respond to their littlies with respect and empathy. These guidelines can be adapted to many family situations and range from preparing for pregnancy, birth and parenting to practising positive, non-violent discipline.

Being prepared

While it’s easy to get caught up in the material preparation for parenting (so many cute little clothes to buy…), attachment parenting stresses the need to prepare physically and, importantly, emotionally, too. As well as eating right, exercising and avoiding stress, it’s about learning about birth options, parenting philosophies, normal infant development and exploring your own beliefs about parenting. You’re also encouraged to set up support networks so that you can create a peaceful, welcoming environment for your baby.

Feed with love

Feeding little ones can be about more than simply providing nutritious food. Attachment parenting also recognises it as a time for loving interaction that can strengthen bonds. The idea is to respect and respond to your baby’s early cues of rooting, grimacing and sucking that may show he needs food, rather than feeding him to a set schedule. This way you will get to know him at an intuitive level, without wondering, ‘What kind of cry is that?’. Later, this will transfer to offering solid foods as your baby signals he is ready and, as he grows, encouraging him to follow his own body signals for hunger and thirst.

Attachment Parenting International believes that breastfeeding satisfies a baby’s nutritional and emotional needs better than any other method of infant feeding and that nursing is a valuable mothering tool that continues to be normal and nutritionally, immunologically and emotionally important beyond one year of age. They suggest mothers who aren’t breastfeeding can ‘bottle nurse’ by imitating breastfeeding behaviours like positioning the bottle near the breast and changing sides during feeds.

Respond with sensitivity

Although there is a lot of pressure to ‘train’ even tiny babies to self-soothe or to avoid ‘spoiling’ behaviours, Attachment Parenting International notes that the immature state of babies’ brains mean they are unable to soothe themselves or to manipulate you. By putting yourself in your baby’s bootees and responding sensitively to his needs, you’re teaching him about trust and empathy and laying a foundation for healthy relationships. It’s normal for newborns to need almost constant holding, but the upside is that by keeping your baby close, you’ll become attuned to his early signals. This will mean less frustration and distress for both of you, as your little one feels safe and secure. Creating a strong attachment to your baby means not only meeting his physical needs but his emotional ones as well, so it’s important to spend time enjoying him, too.

Use nurturing touch

Nurturing touch can be as important a nutrient for your baby’s wellbeing as food. According to Attachment Parenting International, as well as satisfying bub’s need for physical contact and security, touch has been shown to stimulate growth hormones, improve intellectual and motor development, and help regulate baby’s temperature, heart rate and sleep/wake patterns.

You can incorporate loving touch

and meet your baby’s need for closeness, affection, stimulation and movement by ‘wearing’ him securely in a baby sling or wrap, cuddling skin-to-skin, bathing together and with gentle baby massage.

Ensure safe sleep

Attachment is a 24-hour process that doesn’t shut down when your baby sleeps. With attachment parenting, your baby needs to have his needs met responsively at night just as he does during the day. The easiest way to meet your baby’s night-time needs is to share sleep with him. This will make night-time feeds easier and some studies suggest it can also increase your milk supply.

You can either ‘co-sleep’ with your baby’s cot next to your bed or, as long as you follow safe sleep guidelines (see our story on page 120), bed-sharing is a lovely way to stay connected with your baby while he slumbers.

Give loving care

According to Attachment Parenting International, babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. The group advocates creating daily routines that include your baby and avoiding unnecessary or long separations. If neither parent can be a full-time carer, the group believes that it’s important to choose a loving, responsive carer who can form a close bond with your child and that you reconnect with cuddles and play after separations from your little one.

It worked for us

Carey, owner of Melbourne baby shop bébé, tried attachment parenting with her second bub

I parented very conventionally with our first child, who is now six. I was obsessed with doing things ‘right’ but was fighting my instincts the whole time and became so stressed I developed postnatal depression. This time my husband and I decided there had to be a better way. I’ve really enjoyed all of the parts of attachment parenting, like skin-to-skin contact after birth, breastfeeding, baby-wearing and bed-sharing. I feel that breastfeeding really helped me read Harper’s cues. At 14 months, she is still breastfeeding and I still carry her but I’m led by her, so it’s mainly when she’s tired or expresses a need to be close. I feel very ‘in sync’ with her and I believe that as a result she’s very chilled and trusting, but also a happy, ‘go get it’ baby. And part of my journey this time has also been reattaching and becoming more connected with our first child.

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