Bonding, that sense of an intimate and intense emotional connection with bub, is a process that unfolds over the first few weeks, months and years as you interact with your baby, become familiar with her uniqueness, learn her little signals and build confidence in responding to her in nurturing ways.

During your pregnancy, you had several months to become acquainted with the new life inside you and, especially if you’re now breastfeeding her, it’s only natural that you have more opportunities to bond with your bub than your partner does.

Early signs that your partner may not be bonding include him ignoring the baby, not wanting to spend time with bub alone, making excuses not to be engaged in her care or spending more time away from the family. It’s perfectly normal for a partner to do these things at times when he’s feeling overwhelmed or unsure of his abilities, but if they become frequent, it might be time to address the situation. Apart from him losing out on his relationship with the baby, it’s likely to cause ongoing problems between you.

There’s been lots of research done about the importance of dads bonding with their children, and those who are continually unable to do so can miss out in many ways. Your littlie, too, could miss out. Interaction with Dad, for example, can boost your newborn’s brain development; as a toddler, her vocabulary will be assisted by reading time with her father; and his being involved at any age will help foster her self-esteem and supportive peer relationships and lower her risk of depression.

If you’re reading this while still pregnant, the good news is there’s lots you can do to help now. Start by encouraging your partner to come along to your antenatal appointments, scans and classes. Share your desire to be equal partners in all aspects of your parenting and agree to keep being open and honest with each other, even if times get tough. Check out DVDs for new dads together – there’s a good selection available, and they’re a great resource.

After you welcome your baby into the world, encourage your partner to be involved in all aspects of her care – including feeding, playing, bathing and settling. When your baby responds well, point it out to him. Then give them time alone and lots of space to find their own way. Your partner’s parenting may be different from your own, but it’s no less important to your baby. Being overprotective of your littlie can get in the way.

If you notice your partner becoming withdrawn, very gently mention what you’ve noticed and tell him how you’ve been wondering how he’s adjusting. Share your own doubts and insecurities to open the lines of communication. Don’t judge him – he brings his own history and expectations into parenthood and may not have the same opportunities to find his feet. With time and support Dad will get the hang of things, which is likely to increase his self-esteem and your appreciation of him – good news for your relationship and great bonding for all of you.

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