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A guy goes into the doctor's surgery and says: 'Doc, I seem to have a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'

The doctor asks: 'Howzat?' to which the man replies: 'Don't you start!'

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Two fish are sitting in a tank. One says to the other: 'Can you drive this thing?'

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There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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So I was getting into my car and this bloke comes up to me and says: 'Can you give me a lift?' I said: 'Sure! You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

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Two cannibals were having a chat.
One said: 'I hate my mother-in-law.'

he other replied: 'So just eat the potatoes.'

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Why were the little strawberries upset?

Because their parents were in a jam.

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How do you know if you are a pirate?

You don't, you just Arrrrrrr!

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A jumper lead walks into a bar. The bartender says: 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.

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Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two tyred.

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Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie, always say: 'I am.'

Millie: Alright. I AM the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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How do you keep your husband from reading your email?

Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual'.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking in a bar and their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cookbook for my birthday one year,' said the first man. 'But I could never do anything with it.' His friend asked: 'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' And the first man replied: 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: "Take a clean dish and..."

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A vulture boards a plane carrying tow dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says: 'I'm sorry, sir. Only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

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A man asks a pharmacist for something to cure hiccups. The pharmacist reaches out and slaps the man's face. 'Why did you do that?' the man yells. The pharmacist replies: 'You don't have hiccups anymore, do you?' The man says: 'But my wife in the car still does!'

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him: 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than six seconds - and it better be there!'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out and brought it in. On opening it, she found a set of bathroom scales. Ed's been missing since Friday.

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