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YOU’RE A SPIDER, your girlfriend is the long-limbed she-spider across the lawn. You want sex, so you drop a fly on her web. It’s admittedly a small fly (you were a little lazy), so she finishes eating it before you two finish your crazy spider love. Big mistake. Unsatisfied, she has but one option: to eat you.
“Even in the animal kingdom, males have to offer copulatory gifts,” says Dr Victoria Wilson, author of The 30-Day Sex Solution. “For women, gifts symbolise attention, affection, appreciation – basically, your feelings for her.” Which means if you offer up an undersized fly – read: that cheap perfume or a vacuum cleaner – she’ll feel perfectly entitled to eat you alive.
We sympathise. “Women are intuitive, so they expect men to be able to read their minds,” says Wilson. But you’re no more a mind reader than a web spinner, so we surveyed 833 women and consulted top sexperts to find enough sexy gift ideas to see you through the Christmas-Hanukkah-Kwanzaa-birthday-Valentine’s Day gauntlet.
Jul 17, 2012