BABY BRAIN

Yes, making babies is very clever and fatherhood radically changes your entire world view. Does this make the lives of your sprog-free pals suddenly inane, meaningless and symptomatic of the selfish consumerism that's brought the planet to the brink? Probably not. Repeat this to yourself before you lecture a childless mate about their values.

VALUE FLEXIBILITY

Assuming you've got a sympathetic boss, having kids will generally afford you a degree of flexibility at work that only your most bitter colleagues would resent. It's this leeway that enables you to cope with baby-sitting crises, school holidays and chickenpox epidemics. Appreciate that your boss is doing you a favour in these circumstances and is under no actual obligation to accommodate them. Don't take these good turns for granted or overstep the mark.

STEER CLEAR

So you've splashed out on a souped-up baby buggy that's the size of a small caravan? This extravagant purchase may be king of the road, but that still doesn't entitle you to pavement-hogging rights. Pimp your child's ride by all means, but still manoeuvre it with a degree of consideration to avoid becoming a new breed of pushy parent.

LET IT GO

Turning into a sleepwalking zombie is part and parcel of fatherhood. But tiredness shouldn't become a competitive game of martyrdom in the office. ("You only got two hours? Our triplets are teething - I get 45 minutes tops, on a good night!") Just be grateful you don't have to breastfeed them as well.

DULL DADDY

There's nothing wrong with discussing schools. Or potty training. Or that hilarious time your little angel mispronounced "spaghetti". Yet there is a downside to one-track conversations. Droning on about the same subject is no less dull or socially inept just because the topic happens to be the fruit of your loins. Your identity is multi-faceted - now try to keep it that way.

STUCK-UP

American stand-up comic George Carlin considered "Baby On Board" to be "the three most puke-inducing words that man has yet come up with". These signs imply two things. First, that all other motorists generally hoon around like drunken maniacs. Second, that the safety of anyone not wearing nappies is somehow inconsequential. If you're okay with those conclusions then stick that sign