The Real Reasons Women Have Affairs

What I have with Tom makes domestic life more bearable

Tessa, 38, a solicitor, has been with her partner Jonathan, 42, a sales executive, for 13 years. They have a son together. For the last year she has been involved in an ongoing affair with a work colleague, Tom, also 38.

“Most of our friends would assume Jonathan and I are pretty happy. We laugh together, and we’re affectionate. But since having Leo*, our sex life is non-existent, and our relationship is more like sister and brother.

“I’d grown to accept it, focusing my energies on our son. Then Tom came back into my life. We first met eight years ago when he came to work in my office. As a still-exhausted mother, a work flirtation was the last thing I was expecting, yet there was this intense spark and a genuine friendship. Our regular trip to get coffee became the highlight of my day and I realised I started choosing my outfits with him in mind. We flirted a lot, and, finally, on a work night out we ended up kissing passionately around the back of a pub. I told him it couldn’t go any further and, when he got a new job, I felt it would save me from a lot of emotional torture.

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“Then, last year, he returned to my company. By then he was married, with a baby, yet within a month we’d become involved. This time Tom was more direct: after two weeks of loaded emails and meaningful glances, he asked to talk to me after work one evening, and that was it. It sounds so trite, but we couldn’t help ourselves - years of pent-up passion came out.

“Now I’ve been catapulted into all the clichés of an affair - the hastily deleted texts, the stolen moments. Tom and I snatch time together whenever we can. We usually get a few hours in a hotel room every few weeks, but the rest of it is brief encounters - half an hour at lunchtime in a remote cafe; the occasional snog in the lift, springing apart when the doors open like some scene from a bad sitcom.

“I hate myself for it. I get home to Jonathan’s trusting face after being with Tom and I can barely look at myself. Yet I can’t seem to stop it, either. I’m completely torn between the Tess who loves being a mum and wife, and the Tess who wants to throw it all away. But sometimes it feels as though what I have with Tom helps to make the mundane part of domestic life more bearable. I’ve told one friend - she’s understanding, but tells me there’s no way out of it without someone getting hurt. I know she’s right.”

“I was contacted out of the blue by the ex that got away”

Monica*, 37, a teacher, has been married for nine years to Rory*, 36, an accountant. They have two children aged six and four. She had a year-long affair with an old flame who got in touch on Facebook.

“Looking back, I was completely ripe for an affair. Over the years the stresses of domestic life had taken their toll on my marriage to Rory. It felt like the only conversations we had were about the school run and taking out the bins. We’d spend the evening in separate rooms - he’d work, while I’d surf the net. That’s how I got chatting to Sam*. We had dated at school for two years, then he dumped me when he left for university. I was heartbroken, and we hadn’t stayed in touch, although I’d heard he’d got married. Now here he was, divorced, telling me I hadn’t changed a bit. After weeks of emails, we agreed to meet up.

“I knew this was dangerous territory, and the minute I walked into the bar and saw him sitting there I thought, ‘Oh no’ because I knew what was going to happen. Sam had hardly changed from when I last saw him 20 years ago. Within an hour we were kissing. But when I got home that night and saw Rory, I didn’t feel guilty. All I could think about was seeing Sam again. The usual stuff happened - clandestine meetings and exciting sex, followed by tortured conversations about what we would do, not to mention returning home to two small, innocent children. My youngest was only two then; every time I saw his face I’d feel a lump in my throat.

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“The guilt steadily grew, but I convinced myself I’d married the wrong person and Sam was my soul mate. I decided to end my marriage, but ultimately my hand was forced: I’d mistakenly left my mobile behind while out shopping and Rory, who had been growing suspicious, checked my messages. When I returned and saw his face, I knew he knew. There were lots of tears and Rory left me that night. It was horrible, but at first I saw it as the opportunity I needed.

“Sam and I agreed not to rush into anything for my children’s sake, but we continued to meet. Seeing their confusion, however, broke my heart, and Sam didn’t help: he had very little patience with them. Slowly, the image I had of our new life together disintegrated. When Rory suggested counselling, I was willing to try. A year later, we’re giving our marriage another go. There was a time when all I thought about was Sam, but now I see how close I came to throwing away everything that really mattered.”

“I can’t imagine having sex with the same man for the rest of my life”

Elizabeth*, 32, a press officer, has been married for three years to Tim*, a doctor, also 32. She has had two short flings.

“The other night I had one of those stomach-lurching moments during dinner with a friend. She was talking about infidelity, referring to it as the most fundamental betrayal of trust. I was nodding along, while thinking that if she had any idea about what I’d been up to she’d be horrified. During my three-year marriage I’ve already been unfaithful twice, unable to resist the excitement of a new encounter.

“The first was with a friend, whom I fell into bed with six months after I got married and saw a couple of times subsequently. It started when both our partners were away; we got drunk and admitted that we’d always fancied each other, and ended up in bed. We both knew it was a silly fling, and the fact we were good friends made it easier to stop it. The second, a year later, was totally different - it was with a stranger I met at a work conference. We slept with each other the night we met and a few times afterwards. It was just sex, though. Both times the affairs fizzled out without anyone getting hurt.

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“The fact is, the things people assume about those having affairs don’t apply: I still fancy my husband, and we have a good sex life. But there’s no question that sex is different with someone new. It’s not always technically as good - Tim knows exactly what I like - but the thrill of those first encounters is unique.

“Part of me craves it, and I think that relates to childhood insecurity. I was a late bloomer. I only started getting male attention in my 20s and it became a bit of an addiction. A small part of me enjoys the risk, too, and having a side of my life no-one knows about.

“If you saw me you’d never guess I was the ‘type’ to have affairs. But I’ve been shocked by how easily the deception has come to me. I’m able to compartmentalise and separate my indiscretions from the main part of my life. That doesn’t mean I’m without guilt. There are times, snuggled up in my husband’s arms, when I think, ‘Why am I doing this?’. I tell myself it won’t happen again, yet deep down I know I can’t promise. The thought of only sleeping with one man for the rest of my life, no matter how much I love him, gives me a heavy heart.’

SPOTTING THE DANGER SIGNS

Relationship counsellor Gladeana McMahon explains why women stray.

1. The reappearing ex
‘Work out why you have these feelings for an ex. Maybe he had traits your partner doesn’t? But remember you split up with him for a reason.’

2. The thrill of someone new
‘Can you make changes to your current relationship to make it more exciting? Try to step outside your comfort zone and take up a new shared interest or hobby together.’

3. Domestic drudgery
‘In a rut? Not enjoying quality time together? Communicate how you’re feeling - he may feel the same and sharing this will unburden you both.’

4. A sex life that’s off the boil
‘If you aren’t satisfied, gently tell him - or better still, show him. Most men are surprisingly open to suggestions, particularly if it surprises them by shaking up the routine.

5. Fear of monogamy
‘This is one to deal with through counseling to get to the bottom of any issues you have about commitment. Otherwise you risk sabotaging any future relationships.’

• Name has been changed.