Relationship Dealbreakers

He's shorter than you. He wears an earring. He doesn't open the door for you. He does open the door for you. He has no hair. He has too much hair...While most of us have our own individual dating don'ts, once we're coupled up, the boundaries can become more uncertain. And simply ignoring that niggling feeling can be a big mistake. "If you are attached to fantasy rather than reality, then your whole thinking will get cloudier and cloudier," says Dr Bethany Marshall, author of Deal Breakers: When To Work On A Relationship And When To Walk Away*. "If you can't define your deal-breaker, you will never broker your deal." We asked the experts to help sort the unresolvable issues from the mere bumps in the road to happily ever after.

You can't stand his friends and family

The deal: He's a responsible, charming guy, but his mates certainly aren't. His family could qualify for Wife Swap, and their get-togethers have you wishing for a bout of gastro.

How to deal: "If neither of you can bear each other's significant people, it's not a great sign," says relationship guru Tracey Cox. "The old saying 'we are the company we keep' has a grain of truth in it." Cox sees it as a valuable test in the early days – get out before things get messy.

But are you dating him or his difficult mother? That's the question, believes psychologist Jo Lamble. "You need to ask whether your own prejudices are getting in the way." If you can't get over it, a conversation is in order, but don't time it just before cousin Fred's birthday barbecue. Use words that describe how you feel, not what you think his mother is like. "Don't keep running friends or family down, and never put your partner between you and them," warns Lamble. "No-one likes being the meat in the sandwich."

He wants to go long-distance

The deal: You're in love – and then he scores a dream job overseas. It's just a 12-month contract, but should you wait?

How to deal: "I wouldn't spend the next 12 months hanging around the mailbox and looking longingly at planes flying over," says Cox. It's just too dangerous, agrees Dr Marshall, especially if you're stuck at home pining: "You are more concerned about the future than the present because the future seems hopeful and the present is miserable."

The Lazy Guide To Lasting Love

But supreme effort can occasionally triumph over distance, believes Lamble. First, the separation needs to be for the right reasons, ones you both agree to. "And no longer than six months," she adds. "Then make sure you don't replace your partner in your day-to-day life." Got exciting news? Put down the phone to your girlfriend and save it for your Skype date with your beloved – it will help boost your intimacy levels.

He has an addiction

The deal: Living together for the past two years has brought out the truth – his Friday drinks with the boys and a few glasses of red at dinner have turned into getting smashed every night. He denies there's a problem.

How to deal: There are two things to consider, advises Dr Marshall. "One, whether or not he has the capacity to observe himself realistically; and two, whether or not he wants to change." You need to ask yourself: Can I live with this for the rest of my life? What is the emotional cost of being in this relationship?

Lamble agrees that despite first appearances, addiction is something many couples work through. In her experience, the danger is sometimes actually co-dependency. "When they try to kick it, you might become resentful," she says. It's definitely worth seeking advice here, so consider asking a counsellor for help.

You want kids, he doesn't

The deal: You've always had secret visions of a backyard full of rug rats, but he comes out in a rash if he even gets a sniff of playdough. He's always been vocal: no kids for me.

How to deal: The experts agree on this one. "I've seen so much heartache from women on this issue," says Lamble, and so has Dr Marshall. "Women live life with the volume turned down on their inner voice, believing the wish is a betrayal of the relationship arrangement to which they originally agreed."

So ask yourself: What am I going to do if he doesn't change? How long am I willing to wait? Define your terms, reiterates Dr Marshall. "If he explodes or walks out of the room, it's a deal-breaker. If he hears you out, you must hear him out." If he wants to change his mind, he will.

Time to have a little chat about your relationship?
The perfect distance is about 1.5 metres from each other, sitting face to face, according to Tracey Cox. "Women are uncomfortable discussing personal matters from further away; men don't like it when women move closer. Five feet is the happy medium."