When Kate Middleton snagged herself a prince, she raised the bar for singles. If she can do it, so can everyone else, right? Never mind that the math doesn’t add up (there are only a handful of royals, tycoons and megastars in the world); never mind that you’re not exactly a head-turner (let’s be honest here, shall we?). You’ve decided that you’re going to find yourself a gorgeous athlete with an IQ worthy of challenging Einstein, a bank account that can pay for all your Jimmy Choos, who cooks, sings on key, and even saves the world on Thursdays.    

Two words: get real.

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Okay, so your list of Mr. or Ms. Right’s characteristics may not be as exaggerated as the one above. But this doesn’t mean you have set the bar at realistic expectations. If you’re still single when everyone else has boarded the couples train, or your past relationships have all failed because of your “perfectionism,” perhaps it’s time to reflect: are your expectations so high that no flesh-and-blood being could fulfil them?

The Tricky World of Expectations

Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with having expectations. In fact, it’s impossible not to have expectations --- all relationships have spoken or unspoken codes of behaviour. Expectations ensure that you get the care that you deserve; it means you have standards and boundaries. Telling yourself: “I want a partner who is patient and responsible” is simply saying: “I am a person of value, and therefore I deserve someone who will treat me as such.”

But like everything else, expectations must be reasonable. You want to make sure you haven’t created an image in your mind of a person that doesn’t exist in reality. More importantly, your expectations must be flexible enough that you can tolerate acceptable mistakes from people who are in the process of developing themselves. There’s no such thing as a perfect partner or a perfect relationship, and part of what makes a couple strong is the ability of each person to accept their loved one’s flaws.

Could you be dabbling with a dose of unrealistic expectations? Here are some signs:

1.    You dismiss a potential mate based on a single, negotiable, trait.

“Mark is really great but he doesn’t dress well.” “I would have asked Sarah for a second date, but she chews with her mouth open.”

If you have found yourself dismissing what otherwise could be a good match for you, on the basis of one or two small peeves, perhaps you’ve been setting unrealistic expectations. Get to know someone well enough, and sooner or later he or she will do something that will annoy you. Even couples happily married for decades annoy each another on a regular basis. Be open to getting to know a person, in spite of a trait or two that gives you pause. For all you know, your snobbery could be the sole factor robbing you of a soulmate.

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2.    You set rigid rules.

It’s not unusual for one’s ideal man or woman to be everything a loved parent is, or everything a hated parent is not. If you’ve survived a painful relationship, it’s also understandable to avoid traits that remind you of your ex. But do discern: are you setting such strict rules, that even a person dead-bent on loving you will have trouble complying with them?

If you grew up with an absent parent for example, you may insist that your partner spends regular quality time with you. This is fine. It becomes problematic, however, when you demand that your partner spend every waking moment in your presence. Worse, you start punishing your partner for wanting personal space.  If this is the case, the best course of action is to first sort out your wounds from the past, so you can engage more flexibly in a relationship.

3.    You can’t appreciate people-in-process.

Even you didn’t possess all your good traits at birth! Personal --- and even professional --- development takes time. What’s important is that you have someone who’s open to feedback, and willing to change if needed. If you know that your partner’s mood issues are mostly because of stress or repressed anger, don’t be quick to dismiss him or her yet. Get to the root of the problem, and challenge your partner to move past it. If you can’t see the person-becoming in the one you love, then you may be nurturing impossibly high standards.

4.    You expect particular feelings.

The romance novels you’ve read told you so: when you finally meet your destiny, you will hear fireworks and feel the earth shake. Imagine your frustration then when every date you’ve had is minus the drama. So you wait in the certainty that one day you’ll find that someone who will put to shame everything the poets have written.

But it’s important to consider that while some couples do experience all the bells and whistles, not all love stories start with a bang. Some couples have been pleasant friends for years before feeling any attraction to each other. Others grow to love their partners by intellectually recognizing the other person’s good traits first. This doesn’t mean that their relationship is any way substandard to the firework variety. Give things a chance; after all, even a sudden adrenaline rush can be deceiving.

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5.    Lastly, you expect your partner to fix you or your life.

You may not realize it, but it’s possible you’ve been looking at your mate as the cure to all your troubles. You may have the expectation that your partner will rid you of your bouts of depression, take care of your financial illiteracy or challenge you into becoming a more will-powered individual.

But while relationships do have the power to bring out the best in people, it is unfair to expect your partner or the relationship to bring in you changes you’ve always been looking for. The responsibility to make you a better person lies on your shoulders, and no amount of loving is going to help unless you decide to help yourself. Expect your partner to give you support, but don’t expect him or her to function as your crutch.

Author of De-stress Your Success: Get More of What You Want with Less Time, Stress and Effort, Sacha Crouch is a business, executive and life coach who helps people create the work and lives they love. For other free lifestyle resources visit www.activ8change.com.au and www.de-stressyoursuccess.com

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