Mentally stripping the pool attendant? Here's how to get what you really want

At first blush, your frisky fantasies may seem simple enough: you, the gardener, a hammock... What's to figure out? Yet behind each imaginary affair lies a deep-rooted, and not always sexual, desire. As Dr Ian Kerner explains in his latest book, Sex Detox ($34.99, HarperCollins), most musings gravitate toward one of four themes: domination, submission, exhibitionism and voyeurism. And identifying your flavour can yield insight into other areas of your life, he reckons. So brace yourself for incoming self-knowledge, plus a few smart tips on how to quell your secret cravings.

Domination
You like to take control
You say "When I see a hot guy at the supermarket, I think about dragging him into a storeroom and having a fast and furious quickie. When it's over, I just walk away."
Kerner says "You desire sex for sex's sake, free of emotional attachments. Female pleasure is often based on connection to a partner, so it's novel and daring to imagine sex that's purely physical."
What you need Less talk, more action. Slip your tongue into your partner's ear during a dinner party or give him a blow job in the driveway - of your in-laws' house. "Your sexuality will come from a different emotional place that feels naughty and inappropriate; that will make sex feel more lusty and less lovey-dovey," Kerner says.

Submission
You like to be taken
You say "I fantasise about having sex when I'm half-asleep or tied up."
Kerner says "You're insecure about your prowess. That makes you feel self-conscious during sex and, ultimately, enjoy it less. Thinking about lying there passively, as your partner makes sexual decisions for both of you, is a turn-on."
What you need A night that's all about him pleasing you. You'll learn to ask openly for what you want without guilt or performance anxiety. "Tell your guy you'll trade: one night for him, one for you," Kerner suggests. Do this at least once every few weeks. As you grow more in tune with each other's bodies and become comfortable making requests, you'll feel less self-conscious during sex and more secure that you're good at what you do.

Exhibitionism
You like to be watched
You say "I'm naked on the beach and a group of hot male paparazzi start taking pictures of me."
Kerner says "The exotic locale and admiring crowd suggest you want to expose your uninhibited side, probably because your relationship, job, or family doesn't allow for wild wiggle room."
What you need A trip alone to a place where you can jump out of your skin. If you're reserved, try a rugged rafting trip with strangers. If you covet safety, learn to surf and sleep under the stars. Throwing yourself into unfamiliar situations will help break up behaviour patterns both in and out of the bedroom.

Voyeurism
You like to watch
You say "When I'm getting it on solo, I imagine my friends having sex with their boyfriends."
Kerner says Beyond your natural curiosity about how your friends fool around may lurk subconscious envy or a competitive streak. A part of you not-so-privately wishes you were a little more like them.
What you need To focus on your assets, not theirs. Instead of fixating on your friends' haves and have-nots, try to develop in yourself the qualities you admire in them - like the way one mate can socially hold court in front of a gang of strangers or another can make high-stakes decisions on a whim. Just don't ignore your fantasy's naughty side altogether. "You're projecting some of your own desires onto your friends, so be sure to explore those moves with your partner too," Kerner advises. We couldn't agree more.

95
Percentage of men and women who say they've had sexual fantasies.

Corporate relations
If you dream of porking your boss instead of doing your Powerpoint presentation, you're not alone. Adultshop.com recently surveyed almost 900 Australians and found that office affairs are alive and well. See how you stack up:

55% of respondents have been attracted to a co-worker
36% have made a move on a co-worker
12% of respondents are currently in a relationship with a colleague
22% admit to casual sex with a colleague
3% of those surveyed left a partner for a colleague
11% of workers have shagged the boss
2% of workers have shagged the boss and regretted it