The battle of the bulge isn't just about bellies. Here, how to ID and treat those weird lumps that get under your skin.

You discover a new bump on your body and immediately ask: what the hell is that? Could it be cancer? But while you may be tempted to fear the worst or to turn your bathroom into an operating room, remember that most of these lumpy intruders are about as non-threatening as a sedated toy poodle. Here, a fast guide to figuring out which are harmless - and which need serious attention.

"It feels like a pea in my neck"

That's the bump your doctor feels for during a check-up - a lymph node. These hard, movable, pea-sized nodules are in hundreds of places but are most palpable in the neck, groin, armpits and behind the collarbone. Their mission: to filter out toxins and dead blood cells. When you have a cold or minor bacterial infection, your lymph nodes may swell due to being bombarded with dead cells, says haematologist and oncologist Dr Julie Vose. For instance, if you have an infection in your finger you may have an enlarged lymph node in your armpit. (Different nodes respond to different body regions.) The node should return to normal size in a few weeks.

CHECK, PLEASE If the swollen gland persists or grows bigger than a pea and stays that way for more than two weeks - or if you have multiple swollen nodes - see a doctor. He or she will probably prescribe an antibiotic. Has the node grown to the size of a cherry tomato? It may require a biopsy to check for cancer.

"If feels like a blister's growing from my vagina!"

Blame it on a clogged Bartholin duct. These two tubes either side of your hoo-hah secrete lube in conjunction with the Bartholin's glands (two pea-sized organs under the skin) when your engine revs. Sometimes lubrication gets trapped, causing a squishy cyst that swells near the vaginal opening. They're typically benign and usually don't require treatment. You may be able to unplug the duct sitting in a warm bath for 20 minutes two to three times a day.

CHECK, PLEASE If the cyst hurts or enlarges, go to a doc, who will most probably prescribe a course of antibiotics, says WH health expert Dr Ginni Mansberg. If that doesn't help, a gyno can perform a procedure called marsupialisation (no possums involved). This is often done under anaesthetic and involves draining the cyst then sewing the cyst wall to the outer skin to create a new duct. It'll heal in about a month. Alternatively, some specialists may drain the cyst of fluid and then put a catheter in place to keep it draining.

"It feels like a little marble"

The culprit is probably a sebaceous cyst, which is non-cancerous, usually moveable and liable to pop up almost anywhere that hair grows. Cysts are extremely common, forming when dead skin plus the oily secretions of the dead skin cells, which usually shed monthly, get trapped under a clogged pore. They're annoying and they don't often go away on their own. "But many people just learn to live with them," says Dr Mansberg. "You can't prevent cyst formation, but avoid comedogenic skin care preparations (look for oil-free and non-comedogenic creams)."

CHECK, PLEASE To rule out skin cancer, have it checked if it lingers for more than two months or gets noticeably bigger, says dermatologist Dr Ariel Ostad. Any tenderness, redness or pus may signal an infection, treatable with antibiotics or removal (via extraction under local anesthestic with a few stitches).

"I might be growing a new big toe. Argh!"

It's a bunion, an enlargement of bone or tissue around the bottom joint that's causing your toe to angle in. "It's arthritis in its purest form," says podiatric surgeon Suzanne Levine. The cause is heredity or footwear choice. Culprits? Heels that are too narrow or tight in the toe box (you need at least 2.5cm space from end of big toe to shoe tip) and archless footwear like ballet flats and thongs.

Dr Mansberg advises elevating and icing the bunion for 20 minutes after removing your shoes, and taking non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medicines such as ibuprofen.

CHECK, PLEASE If this doesn't reduce swelling and pain, your GP can inject an anti-inflammatory like Voltaren. Surgery is the last resort - recovery can take up to a year, involving a surgical shoe for a month, sneakers for two months, and there's no guarantee it will completely relieve pain.

"Oh my God, there's a lump in my boob"

Bumpy boobs are really common. Your lump is probably one of three things, which are all non-cancerous: 1) Fibrocystic breast change, a mix of fibrous tissue and tiny cysts, affecting about half of all women at some point. 2) Fibroadenoma, a movable mass of hard, rubbery tissue of any size. It tends to occur in women in their 20s and
30s, possibly because of hormones. 3) A cyst, which usually feels like a soft grape but can be firm. Cysts mainly affect women in their 30s to 40s.

CHECK, PLEASE Red-flag a lump that hangs around for more than two menstrual cycles (hormones can spur come-and-go bumps). "Any new discrete lump should be checked out by your GP, who will make the decision to biopsy or not," says Dr Mansberg, who adds that if there's good clinical evidence that the lump is not malignant, you may not need a needle stuck into it.

"It looks like a big pimple on my chest"

While you might fixate on it like a pimple, don't mutilate the lump as you might a pimple. It could be the most common type of skin cancer, basal cell carcinoma. Carcinomas grow very slowly, so it could take years before it develops that characteristic look: round, raised and pearly with visible blood vessels and a rolled border around the bump. Caught early, treatment is nearly 95 per cent effective and ranges from a scalpel to laser removal (which leaves virtually no scarring). You know the drill to prevent it: SPF30 all over, applied every two hours.

CHECK, PLEASE "The warning sign for any skin cancer is that you have a sore or lesion that just doesn't heal," says dermatologist Dr Asra Ali. "It may bleed or be itchy, and it's usually located in a sun-exposed area." Think the face, chest, upper back, arms and back of the hands. If the persistent pimple-like bump doesn't disappear in a month, see a doctor.


Itty-bitty bumps
These little guys can be really annoying

ARM BUMPS Those red papules with white heads can grace your upper arms, thighs or bum. It's a dry-skin condition keratosis pilaris. "Moisturisers with alpha hydroxy acids, such as glycolic acid or lactic acid, can help exfoliate and dissolve skin, reducing the appearance of keratosis pilaris over time," says dermatologist Dr Grace Pak. Don't let the loofah tempt you; it can provide entry points for bacteria.

TONGUE BUMPS Painful red or white bumps on the tongue are transient lingual papillitis, called "lie bumps" in southern US because of an old tale that telling a whopper would bring one on. The true culprit: sharp or crusty foods that cause teeth to scrape the tongue's papillae or taste-buds. The papillae will heal on their own in a few days, but you can ease the pain with over-the-counter (OTC) gels like Kenalog.

PIMPLES Put an ice cube on the zit for five minutes, take a break, then ice for another five to reduce inflammation. Next, squirt on a few drops of Visine to take the red out. Bigger problems? Try OTC Finacea or Ego AcneDerm. For serious acne, Dr Mansberg advises asking your doc about topical and oral retinoids, avoiding harsh soaps that dry out skin, and sunbaking (as getting sunburnt can make acne worse).