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The Wrong Kind of Role Playing

Jun 13 04:47am

Have you ever played the victim?

In relationships, couples tend to take on certain roles. One of the most popular roles is that of a victim. Typical victim behavior includes pouting, sulking, running away from arguments, refusing to make decisions or take responsibility for situations, and adding more to one's to-do list in order to feel like a martyr.

What happens in relationships in which there is a victim? It creates a need for the other partner to respond to this behavior in one of two ways. He can either be the villain (the person who is causing the victim to cry, sulk, etc.) or he can be the hero (the person who is trying to comfort the often inconsolable victim). Neither situation is preferable, because when you get to the bottom of it, it is all roleplay. (And not the good kind!)

When you act insincerely in your relationship, such as by crying and refusing to reveal why, acting weaker than truly are, or causing a scene just for the attention and drama it creates, you are cheating you and your partner out of an authentic, lasting connection.

Like the boy who cried wolf, a partner who always cries victim soon becomes an untrustworthy source and her needs fall on deaf ears. Meanwhile, her partner is stuck internalizing all of the negative feedback, sometimes to the point that he actually does act out the villainous behavior of which he has been accused.

What's the lesson here? The next time your partner lets you down or makes you angry, don't embrace it as an opportunity to take the stage and play the victim. Instead, give your feedback maturely and authentically. If you want to cry and yell, go ahead. But just make sure it is coming from your real emotions, and not from a need for melodrama.

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34 Comments Report Abuse

11. dwwatermelon - Jun 25 04:07pm

A lot of you are missing the point of this article. It isn't about victims of physical and emotional abuse. It is about people PLAYING the victim in a relationship to manipulate a desired favorable response. It is a good article pointing out that this behavior is ultimately self-defeating. We should all be genuine and truthful to our partners.

12. leximil75 - Jun 25 04:20pm

I agree with Barbie, the way this article makes it seem like the woman is always the one playing the victim. As a matter of fact, it seems like all the stuff I read tend to make the woman seem like the bad guy, the one that needs to change, the one that turns the man away, etc. my boyfriend reads into these things so much and sends me these articles. i really think he thinks i'm always the one who needs to make the change. i would like to point out that most of the time it is the guy who triggers the woman to act the way they do. what about articles on how men need to change to please the woman???

13. zlim44 - Jun 26 04:26am

This is a chick article, males not aloud to voice there opinion, i posted last night 3 times , and my post have been erased, all well, i new this was a chick flick , if you get my drift.

14. havick44 - Jun 26 08:08am

Got your message , zlim44 and yes this is deliberatively aim at women; women if your reading, men don't want relationships anymore, they get more out of it if they stay single and bang young hot chicks. By the time you reach 28yrs your expiration day is almost up, so what do successful men do, bang the next crop of hot naive young chicks. and for dose who find love kudos, but for the rest of us lets just keep having fun.

15. mdhrelaxationtech - Jun 26 01:39pm

THAT IS TRUE...MEN DO THE SAME THEY CAN BE DRAMATIC AS WELL

16. mdhrelaxationtech - Jun 26 01:43pm

THAT IS TRUE...MEN DO THE SAME THEY CAN BE DRAMATIC AS WELL

17. peacepixi - Jun 26 02:00pm

yeah, mine was erased... i was just saying that i know now that i have been playing the "victim" to get what i want out of my marriage... but it almost seems like an addiction or something i am doing subconsciously. how do i break the cycle? REALLY-- how do i focus more on my husband than on ME? we haven't been married a YEAR yet and it seems all of our arguments are my fault... or is he just turning the tables? there's so much confusion here, and i really need some advice.

18. zeff166 - Jul 03 11:46pm

You know, I just realized how often I play victim because I like the attention it gets me, and it really depressed me how I would do all this for comfort. I think I'm going to let my partner know, and maybe we can start talking about our problems instead starting a petty problem just so we can cuddle and have sex.