Our Experts

Pregnancy

Wisdom from Mother Birth

Time to Quit Baby-Making?

May 15 05:14am

I just found a piece of paper from over a decade ago, on which I listed the pros and cons of continuing to attempt to get pregnant. At the time, my only child (Dan) was 4 or 5. I think if we had never had children I would have tried everything, including egg donor or adoption. I really wanted to be a mom; we really wanted to be parents. But having had that experience, the decision on how far to go to have another child was a challenge, especially since my husband was happy with one child.

My first pregnancy was complicated by ten weeks of bed rest for premature labor, and separation from the baby at birth as he was transferred to the newborn ICU for a blood disorder that was very scary but turned out OK. I'd had trouble conceiving him and was not getting younger, so we had already been trying unsuccessfully to make him a sibling since he was a year old. I had a $400 a day fertility drug "habit" that wasn't getting me anywhere, and the emotional strain was making me ask myself if it was worth it.

The list is kind of blunt, so I hope it doesn't offend. But I think it says a lot about factors that might play into this sort of decision, from things that might seem silly, to real fears and potential joys. I'd be interested to hear how these concepts resonate with other women experiencing complicated pregnancies or infertility.

THE CONS

Lots could go wrong: might not get pregnant despite trying, miscarriage, baby might be ill or have special needs, might have preterm labor again, fertility treatment might lead to multiple pregnancy, baby might have same blood disorder
It's a lot of work: Diapers, night feeds, childproofing
Disruptive to normal life: meals, work, life at home, sex
Dan will hate it
Decision isn't between easy fantasy pregnancy/birth/baby or doing nothing -- likely to be complicated
Have to put childbearing behind me at some point in life anyway
Cost
Physically hard: nausea, poor sleep, labor, recovery after delivery
Possible complications of having baby: bedrest again, might get urinary incontinence, might need c-section
Weight gain
No time for self, exercise, reading, knitting, watching sports
Only doing it to master my body or to prove that I can

THE PROS

More years of kids at home
Sibling for Dan for later
Bigger family
Get to breastfeed again
Already have a great nanny
Undo miserable experience from last birth
Bone marrow donor for Dan if needed
"See what else we can make"
Someone new to love
Always wanted two children
More grandchildren
More normal life for Dan
Regret later if don't try everything now

We discontinued fertility treatment shortly thereafter.

10 Comments Report Abuse

1. tammylocklear - May 16 01:18am

I was the "only" child that my parents had, and was somewhat lonely growing up. I longed for a brother or sister to play with, share things with and to tell my deepest secrets to. I did have cousins anf friends, but it's not the same as a blood related sibling. I urge parents with only one child, to at least "think" about the idea of maybe just one more child.

2. anmol_extra - May 24 10:01pm

hi there plz help me out.
my wife had taken 2 ipills last month at dated 30 th march and 5 april
and a month had past she is still waiting for her period her last period was on 29 th march,
wht is exactly happend to her
plz its urgent

3. prittykitty_58 - Jun 05 02:49am

I am a fan of trying to get pregnant. I want to have baby and I would like to see an article about how to get pregnant, not on the reasons why she does not want one. I want to know if I need to take certain vitamins, or maby certain foods that can promote pregnancy? That is what I would like to know.

4. ellakatemum - Jun 16 11:09am

I found this very helpful. After many unsuccessful infertility treatments, I'm going through the same thought process. It's so hard to say enough is enough when you really want another baby.

5. elroydonna - Jun 16 04:37pm

i can relate to the need for doing a list, i had a difficult pregnancy, birth and even now having medical probs after my first child, i am young and do feel extremly sad that my son may not get that "brother or sister" but sometimes it pays to listen to your head and b glad 4 the 1 u do have!

6. bowwow2@sbcglobal.net - Jul 16 12:11pm

I would like to see more articles bringing attention to funding for fertility treatments. Infertility is an illness not a choice. We should get better medical coverage. There shouldn't be a limit to coverage. Why should someone else get to decide how many kids you get to have? Not everyone makes the money to afford these treatments. I would love a second child, but Illinois mandate has decided how many cycles should be covered for me. The worst part...with assistance/insurance coverage, I could have my dream come true and have another child. I so badly want my daughter to have a sibling. I think more people need to speak up about this growing issue. I know too many women and men that are having fertility issues.

7. verwana - Aug 12 11:01pm

I personally am not in favor of fertility treatments. But I also have never had any desire to have children. Some people may see some of the cons as selfish, like alot of work, no time for self, but it's a reality and a life choice. I tend to see some of the pros listed as selfish. In a world that is getting overcrowded leading to used up resources, pollution,crime etc.. why add more if your reasons are just to have a bigger family, " to see what you can make", or just pressure from society/religion. There are plenty of orphan children needing homes.

8. nchol@sbcglobal.net - Sep 12 04:50pm

i've had 2 miscarriages, and no children as of yet. I'm 28, my hubby is 37, we have been trying for 2 years now, with no success. My biggest fear is never having even one. I think children are a blessing, and although having another is a wonderful gift, being thankful for what you have is just as much of a gift. I love your articles, read them all the time. keep up the good work.

9. chermarp - Sep 15 01:47pm

I was just browsing the web and I can't remember what I entered in but I ended up coming across seeing an article that you wrote. I am a patient of yours and I had no idea what you have done. It is amazing and wonderful what you have done outside of being THE BEST OBGYN. I came across this time to quit baby making. I am 39 years old. I want to have another baby. My son is 7 years old and I always wanted two children. Some of what you have said dealing with the pros and cons, I do agree with. Is there anything that I can do to try and get pregnant besides trying fertility? I hope that I become pregnant soon and then I can buy your book; The Pregnancy Guide. Thank you. I will continue to check your website all the time. Very grateful.

10. vanesa.swayzer - Apr 15 11:25pm

i am a 38 year old other to be again and im enjoyng it very much! ive had a few bad experiences in the past- ive had four miscarriages and one stillborn. he was a perfect baby in my eyes born at six pounds and one ounce. it was heartbreaking for me i didnt think i could go on in life. but for the grace of my two other beautiful sons i dont think i would have. so for everybody who thinks GOD is not real im here to tell you he is and without him i dont think i could handle this pregnancy casue i kno whatever happens now HE is in conttrol whatever the outcome is going to be.