Bullies ain't what they used to be. In the '70s and '80s when I was at school, computers and mobile phones were things we heard about on science shows such as Beyond 2000.

In those days bullying typically involved a group of boys picking on the smallest child in the playground. For girls it was more about giving someone who was 'different' the cold shoulder.

Bullying behaviour was generally easy for teachers to pick up on.

According to school counsellor Jennie Cohen, this 'old-fashioned' bullying still goes on, but the extent of the harassment has been escalated by mobile phones and emails, particularly among girls.

As a result we're in the middle of a bullying pandemic, with a whopping 20 per cent of children the victims of school bullying at some stage.

'Generally, bullying is more covert and secretive among girls, especially as they move from late primary age into high school,' Jennie Cohen says. 'Girls will often work in groups, they'll exclude classmates, spread rumours and send abusive text messages and emails, which can be difficult to trace.'

Psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg says boys are generally more physical.

'Victims might come home with a ripped shirt, they'll have their lunch stolen or you'll find they are asking for extra money which is used to "pay off" the bully,' he says.

Male bullies can work together but Dr Carr-Gregg sees just as many cases where a boy will work alone.

Would you or your child know how to spot the signs of a bullying? Here are a few:

• Bullies like to send intimidating and abusive text messages and emails, which can be difficult to trace.
• Bullies will surround themselves with agreeable henchmen, and tend to dislike people who disagree with them.
• Usually bullying will start in Year 2 or 3, but Jennie Cohen admits there are cases where much younger children are victims.
• Bullying tactics may include playing pranks, giving the silent treatment, taunting, name calling, pushing or
  shoving or excluding someone. A child can be picked on if they have any kind of difference, such as red hair, glasses, are overweight or underweight, are too small or having a speech impediment.
• Often bullies know how to sell themselves and push people's buttons, which is how they manipulate themselves into positions of power in the first place.

What parents can do

Parents must talk to their kids and they must tell a figure of authority. According to Dr Carr-Gregg, any change in your child's normal behaviour, such as becoming withdrawn, crying, not wanting to go to school, coming home from school hungry or seeming edgy and nervous, can indicate that your child has become the victim of a bully. He says parents should be a world authority on their own child and should notice behaviour that's odd and out of place.

If your child is being bullied you should:

• Document your concerns clearly in writing.
• Show your child empathy - do not dismiss or trivialise what has happened.
• Often children who are bullied are not assertive and have poor body language. Try to work on your child's confidence and even role-play ways they can handle the bully.
• For example, the bully might say: ‘Your haircut sucks,' and the victim could reply: ‘I was hoping you'd notice.' Strategies that diffuse the situation and take away the bully's satisfaction are usually successful.
• Arrange for your child to see the school counsellor to get help with strategies. It's important your child does not feel they're fighting the battle on their own.
• Report the incident to your child's teacher. If you don't get any action, take your complaint up the school hierarchy, even if it means writing to the Minister for Education. 
• Keep copies of any relevant emails and text messages.
• Removing your child from the school should be an absolute last resort because this sends a message to your child that the problem was their fault.

Cyber-bullying

There is no doubt that the internet poses risks, particularly to teenage girls who, according to Dr Carr-Gregg, have become experts in cyber-bullying.

'Many believe they can do it anonymously,' he says. ‘When you harass in this way you often don't get any immediate feedback, which can mean the bullying gets nastier and more dangerous.'
Dr Carr-Gregg recommends parents install filters on their computers, limit time spent on the internet and ensure that the computer is in a communal area.

But he also says parents need to know their own boundaries when they're trying to resolve their children's problems.
He uses a recent case in the US as an example of where parental revenge can go horribly wrong. The case involved two teenage girls who had a falling out.

Lori Drew, the mother of one of the girls, joined the MySpace website posing as a teenage boy called Josh Evans. Using this name, Lori started a cyber-relationship with the girl who'd fought with her daughter, before dumping her, taunting
her about her weight and calling her a whore. Tragically, not long after the comments had been made, the girl was found hanged in her bedroom.

According to Dr Carr-Gregg, the effects of being systematically bullied can be long-lasting and will often eat away at a child's self-esteem right through to adulthood.

Role models

Dr Carr-Gregg and Jennie Cohen agree that children learn what they live and often parents of a bully don't set a great example. This can mean that their own children turn out to be bullies, which is often hard for a parent to admit. Here's what you can do:

• Don't bully your own family members.
• Don't resolve arguments with smacking, hitting or standover tactics - this sends a message to your children that violence and intimidation is the best way to solve a fight.
• Do take notice if you think your child is
  a bully. Find out why hurting other children makes your child feel good. Get your child to describe the emotions they are feeling, and explain other ways for them to solve their problems. Help your child understand the problem they've created. 
• Some bullies may suffer from ADHD and if that's the case they should see a GP. If your child doesn't show remorse, they need to see a child psychologist.

If in any doubt, arrange to see your school counsellor. That's what they are there for.