Peer party pressure

Q: My 14-year-old daughter is being invited to lots of parties where I know alcohol is consumed. Her dad and I don't want her drinking, so we'd rather she didn't go to these parties, but we're afraid we'll be making her a social outcast by refusing to let her. She thinks we're too overprotective and that we're ruining her life. Should we let her go for the sake of her friendships?
Kylie, via email.

A: Any parents will relate to your situation. These days, adolescents are drinking far earlier, and it seems it's often with their parents' blessing. But this doesn't change just how damaging alcohol can be.

Long-term damage:

Adolescent brains are still developing, and alcohol will adversely affect this development. Your daughter will thank you later when she has all her brain cells and some of her friends don't.

Studies also show that the earlier children start drinking, the more at risk they are of becoming problem drinkers later. Finally, it's illegal to drink at the age of 14, and condoning her behaviour is hardly teaching her how to obey the law.

Setting boundaries:

The good news is that I speak to many young adults who are angry their parents didn't protect them by setting clear limits on their behaviour.

Sit down with your daughter and explain what you're trying to do - keep her safe. You want her to be happy and have fun with her friends, but not at the expense of her safety. Tell her drinking at her age isn't safe. Give her plenty of empathy. Say you understand how hard it must be for her to feel like the only one not allowed to go to these parties, and you're just concerned for her health and safety.

Make suggestions for how she can still have fun with her friends. Be willing to drive her and her mates to the beach or the movies. Encourage her to have friends over for barbecues, and allow her to have them sleep over. Make your house a fun place to be.

Respecting her views:

It's important she knows you can see she's growing up. Give her more responsibility and praise her when she handles it. Trust her and thank her for being trustworthy. Let her stay up late when it's appropriate. Bring her in on adult discussions and encourage her to add her opinions. Tell her what good company she is and how proud you are of her.

By treating her with respect, she's more likely to understand why you make the decisions you do. When she tells you she doesn't agree with you, listen. Don't be afraid to change your stance if she has a good reason for why she should be allowed to do something. If she sees you're flexible, she'll understand that when you say no, it's because you're concerned for her welfare - even if she doesn't appreciate it at the time.

Got a question for Jo? Email newidea@pacificmags.com.au