If you have the mother-in-law from hell, follow these strategies to help maintain your sanity, says New idea's Clinical Psychologist Jo Lamble.

Q. I know it sounds like a cliche, but my mother-in-law is driving me crazy. She's a lovely woman who means well, but she has an opinion on everything we do. Whatever I do with our one-year-old son is wrong. Whatever I do around the house is wrong. How I treat my husband is wrong. How can I tell her to butt out without destroying our relationship forever?
Gayle, Campbelltown, NSW.

A. Wow, I really hope your mother-in-law settles down over time when she sees the good job you're doing with her grandchild. Meanwhile, here are a few things you should and should not do.

It's your issue
Firstly, don't expect your husband to talk to his mum about the issue. A lot of women think their partners should stand up to their mothers and defend their wife. Obviously, if your mother-in-law were abusing you, I'd expect your husband to speak up. But if she's just full of opinions, then I wouldn't jeopardise your husband's relationship with his mum by asking him to fight your battles.

Keep a nag tally
Instead of dwelling on her criticism, protect your ego and reduce your frustration by keeping a diary. Every time you speak to her, make a mark on that day's date if she tells you you're doing something wrong. Tally up the marks after a call or visit to see how many she can squeeze into one conversation. By tallying her negative comments, you'll be standing back naturally and observing her. Without knowing it, you'll stop taking her comments personally because you'll be hoping she beats her old record. Who knows, you might even enjoy the project.

Ask for her advice
Another strategy is to ask her opinion before she gives it. As soon as she rings, ask her what you should feed your son or how you should handle a situation that happened at the park, then tell her how much you appreciate her advice. This way you have some control over the situation. You'll also get lots of brownie points, which should decrease her general negativity towards you.

Why she does it
Think about your mother-in-law's behaviour. What is it about her personality and her situation that makes her so opinionated and critical? Is she unhappy, lonely or depressed? Does she miss having young children herself? Was her mother highly critical? Imagining what life is like for your mother-in-law, given her personality and her situation, is called having empathy.
Developing empathy for your mother-in-law will help you from taking her comments so personally because you'll realise her behaviour says more about her than it does about you. I'm sure your husband will also appreciate your efforts to deal with his difficult mother, which should make him more understanding of how hard it's been for you.