There's no doubt separation and divorce are up there as some of life's major events, so it's not surprising that, when relationships fall apart, picking up the pieces and starting again can be difficult.

When a relationship fails we have to redefine how we think of ourselves and, as relationships are intertwined with emotional wellbeing, this plunges many of us into self-doubt that affects the way we think, feel and act.

Each year in Australia there are around 52,000 divorces and 70,000 separations - a figure that includes couples living in long-term de facto relationships. Of the divorces, nearly 50 per cent involve children under 18.

Adjusting to a new life can be stressful because it is full of unknowns, says associate professor Michael Baigent, clinical advisor to beyondblue, the national depression initiative.
'The logistics of being the primary carer, spending less time with children, dealing with the ex-partner, guilt, the stigma attached to divorce, changed living arrangements, a different income, less personal time and sometimes domestic violence all increase stress,' he says.

The emotional impact of separation can come and go a bit like a roller-coaster - shock, denial, anger, depression, isolation and acceptance. These affect people at different times and new feelings can rise many months and even years after the time of separation.

'Stress is a normal reaction to what's happening in your life, but over-stress can lead to loss of appetite, weight loss, low energy, morbid feelings, enjoying nothing and moodiness,' Professor Baigent explains.

'Sometimes there are physical symptoms, such as headaches, abdominal pain, upset stomach, high blood pressure and diarrhoea.'

It depends on what the people were like before they separated as to how they manage or handle the relationship breakdown. Both partners, including the one who instigated the separation, will grieve. Most will feel a bit hesitant before getting into another relationship.

It's normal for children to feel the loss of a separation or divorce and they may experience a wide range of emotions, such as sadness, anger, fear, jealousy and insecurity. Reactions may include nightmares or sleeping difficulties, temper tantrums, difficulties with schoolwork or not wanting to go to school, aggression, problems with eating and wanting to be close to family members.

'It's important to explain the situation simply, using words appropriate for their age,' Professor Baigent says. 'They need to have confidence about the love of both parents and that their future is secure.

'Avoid negative comments about the other parent as it's unsettling for everyone, especially children.' It's important to look after your own health so you can look after your children and organise the new changes.

MANAGING STRESS

• Think positive! It may not be easy but evidence shows positive thoughts stimulate the neurotransmitters that control stress.
  

• When you're irritated, find a quiet spot (even the loo) and take the time to sit still.

• Let yourself cry if you need to.

• Create an image of the time or place in your life where you were the most content and spend time dreaming about it.

• Select and play music that relaxes you.

• To balance your mood, fill up your lungs, hold for a few seconds and breathe out slowly. Repeat five times at least three times a day.

• Keep a diary and every day write down what comes to mind, whether criticism, praise or encouragement.

• Stop arguments and keep things businesslike with your estranged partner.

• Join a social group or sole parents support network.

• Keep your body language in check - 60 per cent of your message is sent this way (rolling eyes, crossing arms).

GETTING HELP

• The Child Support Agency has a set of free booklets and a CD to assist separating parents that can be ordered by calling 1800 040 972.
  

• For family law information you can call 1800 050 321, or visit www.familylaw.gov.au.
  

• Call the Australian government's Family Relationship Advice Line 1800 050 321, or contact Family Relationship Centres at www.familyrelationships.gov.au.