Telling the kids what to do is one thing, but treating your partner the same way is another. Are you guilty of treating your partner like one of your children?

A healthy relationship is made up of two adults who love each other and are committed to working as a team to help run the family as smoothly as possible. Problems arise when one person unconsciously parents their partner. This is a hidden issue in many households. And it can often be buried under resentment and frustration.

Recognising the signs
A common sign you’re being a parent rather than a partner is having the feeling you have an extra child in the house. Do you often notice yourself thinking: ‘Honestly, it’s like I have four children, not three?’ That feeling follows the sense of always having to remind your partner to do things or having to reprimand them for not pulling their weight. Another sign is feeling that your emotional needs aren’t being met.

The main sign you’re the one who’s being parented is a sense you’re being spoken down to or treated like a child.

An unhealthy balance
It’s incredibly unhealthy to be in a relationship where you don’t feel like equals. Such a dynamic is also not good for the kids to see. They need strong parents who are clearly equal, even if their parents are no longer living together.

Positive communication
If you recognise any of the signs of being in a parent-child relationship with your partner, consider the examples below, which illustrate healthy and unhealthy communication. These examples don’t illustrate how you should talk to your children, either.

HOW TO COMMUNICATE THE RIGHT WAY

1. You find out that your partner lied about working back late and instead they ducked out for a drink with a few friends. 

Parent-Child Couple
Parent reaction: You lied to me. That’s completely unacceptable. I can’t trust you. What else have you lied to me about?
Child response: Don’t overreact. It was just a quick drink. I knew you would react like this, that’s why I lied to you.

Adult-adult couple
Adult reaction: I’m so surprised that you lied to me. Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? What’s going on? Is there a problem that I’m not aware of?
Adult reaction: It was pretty silly to lie to you. It was a spur of the moment decision. I should have just told you that I’d changed my mind about working late. I can see why you’d be so upset. I’m really sorry.

2.  You ask your partner one morning to ring a plumber to look at the leaking sink. Later that day, you want to know if the job was done.

Parent-Child Couple
Adult question: Did you ring the plumber today?
Adult response: No I’m sorry, I didn’t. I completely forgot, but I’ll remember to do it tomorrow.
Parent reaction: I can’t believe it. Why can’t you ever do what I ask? How hard is it to make a simple phone call?
Child reaction: I know. I’m sorry. I’ll lift my game. I’ll remember tomorrow, I promise.
Parent response: I doubt that very much.

Adult-adult couple
Adult question: Did you ring the plumber today?
Adult response: No, I’m sorry. I completely forgot. I was flat out today. I’ll try to get to it tomorrow, or would you have time to do it?
Adult reaction: I could, but then I would still have to check with you about the best time for him to come, so it’s probably better if you do it.
Adult reaction: No problem. I’ll make a note about it and get onto it first thing.