Have you shouted so loudly at your children that you hurt your throat? The pain you feel is nothing compared to the overwhelming guilt that follows. We hate the thought of damaging our kids.

While yelling at children is obviously not a good idea, there’s no point feeling guilty about it. Guilt keeps us stuck. Instead, we can do so much to improve things.

Are your kids aware of the house rules?
Sometimes there’s a lot of yelling going on because there’s no clear sense of when bedtime is, what children are expected to do to help around the house or how much TV they’re allowed to watch. The clearer the rules, the easier it is for everyone.

 
Do you give warnings?
It’s hard for any of us to drop what we’re doing when we’re told to come to dinner or get in the bath. Giving children a 10-minute warning to finish a game or finish watching TV can help a lot.

 
Is the schedule at your place too full?
If you’re trying to fit too much into each day, children and their parents will both get overtired. Fatigue is the fastest way to end up in a screaming match.

Are you aware of an impending explosion?
It’s useful to tune into your body and watch out for signs that your stress level is rising dangerously. Perhaps your jaw is clamped shut. Maybe you can feel your heart pumping or your face going red. When we become more aware, it feels less like a sudden explosion and more like a steady rise of anger you can then get a handle on.

Can you remove yourself before losing it?
When you feel tension rise, make sure the kids are out of harm’s way and leave the room for a few minutes to calm down. Don’t be surprised if young children try to follow you, but let them know you’re about to lose your temper and need some time alone. Try to slow down your breathing and gather your thoughts.

Don’t underestimate the power of an apology
It’s OK to say sorry to your kids after you’ve lost your temper. It’s good for them to hear: ‘I’m sorry for yelling at you. I was angry and fed up, but I shouldn’t explode like that.’ After you’ve apologised, try not to launch back into blaming them for your loss of control. Let the apology soak in, then gently explain the need for them to listen when you ask them to do, or not do, something.

Get closer to your child
Emotions are a great pathway to intimacy. After the kids have seen your raw, uncensored emotions, there’s an opportunity for them to get to know you better as you teach them about relationships.