Most couples are optimistic about their chances of having children. So it can be a huge shock to find out you can’t conceive or carry a baby to term.

The shock may be followed by anger, loss, devastation and shame. All these feelings are normal and it’s vital you give yourself and your partner permission to cry and be angry.

Trying to suppress such normal reactions is unhealthy. Be aware your partner may react in a totally different way from you, and that’s OK. Women tend to want to talk about the issue and men are generally more likely to take a problem-solving approach to the situation.

Explore your options
If you’ve been told you’re infertile, you will most likely be seeing a fertility specialist who will outline your choices. Use other resources to get all the information available, such as attending seminars and joining support groups.

The decisions you make must be between you and your partner, so it’s important to support each other through this process.

Keep your relationship strong
If you’ve been trying to conceive a baby for many months, it can become stressful and may wreak havoc with your sex life.

Going through diagnosis compounds the issue. You can feel as if your body is a separate entity, and feeling sexual if you’re taking hormones or awaiting test results can be hard. Acknowledge difficulties and talk about the matter of nonexistent libido. Small romantic gestures can help you reconnect when all seems lost.

Fall in love again
Schedule plenty of time when you don’t talk about babies and give yourselves a break.  Lighten up. Have fun. Remind each other why you fell in love in the first place. What did you enjoy doing together? Maybe you could do that again in an attempt to trigger memories of courtship.  Consider counselling if your relationship is really suffering under the stress.

Deal with disagreements
It’s common for couples to disagree about how long to keep trying for a baby or what option to take. Don’t panic if your partner has a different time frame or favours a different option. Talk to them openly and honestly. Over time, most couples will come to an agreement on the approach to take.

To tell or not to tell
It’s hard to know who to tell when you’re riding the roller-coaster known as infertility. Often you don’t want to hear other people’s comments – but keeping the issue a secret can also be stressful, as it often means you have to lie or deflect the inevitable question: ‘When are you guys going to start a family?’

When you don’t tell others, it also means you only have each other for support, and this increases the stress on your relationship.

Build a support network
Only tell people who you feel will be supportive. Keep it simple and make it clear that their support means the world to you. Let them know how they can show their support, and whether you want them to check on how you’re going. Emphasise the fact you have a doctor you trust and you’ll let them know any news when you’re ready.

A further benefit of telling a select few is you can openly ask for permission to avoid some social gatherings and not express utter joy at the news of someone else’s pregnancy.