Q: How can my husband and I stop fighting? We love each other and want to stay together, but we can't seem to stop bickering. It's usually over the smallest of things too.

I'm worried that over time all this fighting will cause us to go our separate ways. I suggested we go to marriage counselling to try to sort it out, but my husband refuses. He says if we're meant to be together we should be able to sort it out ourselves without the help of a professional.

Denise, V.

A: Big issues such as parenting, money and sex cause a lot of conflict in relationships. Often, couples counselling is necessary to help resolve these issues. But you're not alone when you say you're fighting over the little things.

Nearly every couple will find themselves having daily disputes about something, such as emptying the dishwasher, leaving a mess in the bathroom or about something else equally as minor.

Over a period of time, these disputes become tedious and can erode the love you feel for each other, so it's a good idea to have a few strategies you can put in place for reducing the amount of time you spend arguing over the small things.

Pick your battles

Is it really worth pulling your partner up for every single thing that annoys you? Try to let some things go by ignoring a few bad habits. You married each other knowing most of each other's faults, so remind yourself that some tolerance is needed. We tend to be pretty good at picking our fights when it comes to our children. We learn that if we pull an adolescent up for everything they're doing wrong, pretty quickly they would tune out and withdraw from us. Exactly the same rule should apply with your husband.

Is it all him?

Next, take responsibility for your own problems. This might sound really harsh, but if something is bugging you, then it's your problem. For instance, if you can't stand your husband leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor, then it's your problem. If he doesn't like how long you talk to your girlfriends, then it's his problem.

Owning the problem doesn't mean it's your fault or that you caused it. It just means you have a problem with something and therefore it's up to you to initiate some kind of resolution. In fact, if we leave it up to our partners to always know what's upsetting us, we'll be waiting a long time.

Ask for help

Once you accept something bothers you and it's up to you to work on it, you'll approach it in a completely different way. If you don't own your problem, then you'll probably say something like this: 'Why can't you ever pick up your wet towels? I'm not the maid around here.' But if you accept you're the only one who has an incentive for things to change, then you could try saying: 'I'm feeling pretty stressed at the moment, and for some reason the wet towels on the floor really get to me. Would you mind helping me by trying to remember to hang up your towel please?'

You can see the second way of approaching the problem is less of an attack on your partner and more of a request for his help.

How's he feeling?

One other very important skill to learn when you're trying to stop fighting is empathy. This means trying to imagine what it's like to be your partner in any given situation by knowing their personality. So, if you know your husband can't stand being asked to do a chore as soon as he walks in the door after a day at work, then you know he'll find it hard being asked to supervise the children's bath first thing when he gets home.

That doesn't mean you have to do it all yourself, but how you ask him will come out differently if you have some empathy for him. You'll probably say: 'I know you've just walked in and you must be tired, but I'm a little behind with everything and would love it if you could pop up and do the kids' bath for me.' Believe it or not, if you show your husband some empathy, you'll probably find it flowing right back your way again.

So pick your fights, own your own problems and practise showing empathy towards your partner and, hopefully, those fights over niggling issues will soon start to decrease.

For more advice from Jo Lamble, check out the latest issue of New Idea - on sale now!