Walking on eggshells

Q: My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We're mostly pretty happy, but he's incredibly moody. I find it really hard because I never know what mood he's going to be in, and so I'm always doing the wrong thing. There doesn't seem to be any particular thing that sets him off. I used to try to jolly him out of his bad moods, but I'm sick of doing that. Have you any advice on how to live with a moody person?

Fed Up, Perth, WA.

A: People often say living with a moody partner or child is like walking on eggshells. They never know if they're going to set off a reaction and ruin a pleasant day or night. There are many causes of moodiness, such as the hormonal changes in adolescence, PMS and menopause. Obviously, these don't affect your husband.

Other causes include depression, bipolar disorder, sleep apnoea or a mid-life crisis. Some serious diseases and syndromes have moodiness as a symptom. So you need to be on the lookout for other symptoms if moodiness suddenly appears in someone's personality.

Reading the signs

If your husband is depressed or has bipolar disorder, the mood swings would be quite marked and you'd probably not be trying to jolly him out it. If he's suffering sleep deprivation that comes with sleep apnoea, you'd be lying awake with his snoring.

If he were going through a mid-life crisis, he'd be questioning everything he's done in his life, and where he's going to be in 10 years time. He'd also be getting fit and buying new clothes or getting a younger haircut.

Managing moods

If he's not experiencing any of the possibilities I've mentioned, then we can assume he's just your classic moody person.

They often grew up in a household with a moody mum or dad. They're the one who has been allowed to get away with being moody. They're the one who has always been jollied out of their bad mood.

If you want to stop treading on eggshells, you need to start changing your reactions to him. I'd begin by asking him if he thinks he's depressed or needs to see his GP for a check-up. When he asks why you're making these suggestions, tell him you've had enough of his moodiness and want him to either get help or work on it with you. In other words, tell him you have a problem with his moodiness and need his help to cope.

Generally people respond better if you own the problem. If it's bugging you, then it's your problem.

Your reactions

The next step is to slowly change your behaviour. If nothing has happened, assume he'll be in a good mood. If he's not, ask him if everything is all right. If he says it is, then say: 'Oh that's good. You didn't seem happy, but I'm glad you're OK.' Then carry on as if he's in a good mood.

If his mood doesn't pick up, don't ask him why again. Don't try to cheer him up, just keep going about your business, ignoring his moody reactions.

Try not to get angry or upset yourself as that's giving his moodiness attention. Negative attention reinforces the behaviour.

If he's too unpleasant to be around, go into another room and do something on your own, trying to stay chirpy and light. If you're in the car, switch on the radio and ignore him until
he makes an effort to start up a conversation.

In other words, change the steps of the dance. If you act as if he's not moody, he might follow suit.

For more advice from Jo Lamble, check out the latest issue of New Idea - on sale now!