Q: I don't think of myself as a jealous person, but I really think I should be able to look through my husband's phone from time to time, just to make sure he's behaving. I've never found anything to worry about, but I hear so many stories, I just want to make sure nothing is going on. He gets quite angry when I do it. Does that mean he's up to something? If I don't check, how will I know if he's seeing someone else? I can't stand the idea of him making a fool out of me.

D.S., via email.

A: You say you're not a jealous person, but if you keep going the way you're going, you pretty soon will be. It can be very easy to set up a vicious cycle of jealousy. It starts with an unsettled feeling and a simple thought: What if he's cheating? So you check his phone to see if there's anything suspicious, and there's not. So you feel relieved and that unsettled feeling goes away... for a while. But it comes back and you remember how good it felt when you checked and found nothing, so you check again, and again, and again.

What makes it worse, is your husband hates you checking up on him. It feels like you don't trust him, so he gets upset or angry, which you see as a sign of guilt, so you check some more. He might even start to wipe all his messages or start to hide his phone - just to stop you checking. But once again, you could see this as a sign he has something to hide. Pretty soon, your jealousy is out of control, he's resentful and a perfectly good relationship could be on the rocks. So if you don't want to become a jealous person, stop checking his phone.

Truth vs trust?

Then there's the general question: Is it ever OK to go through a person's phone, wallet or email inbox? Many people would say that if your partner has nothing to hide, then it should be OK to look through anything. But I disagree. We all need privacy. We all need to feel trusted. Most people would never open anyone else's mail, but many think it's all right to look through another person's phone.

The real affair signs

If your husband is having an affair, there will be other signs, such as unexplained phone calls and absences, increased criticism of you and decreased interest in spending time with you. If so, pick a suitable time and confront him with your concerns. If you explain what you're worried about and he hits the roof and questions how you could dare doubt him, then you have cause for concern. If he's fairly calm and tries hard to reassure you that everything is OK and his odd behaviour can be accounted for, then chances are you have nothing to worry about.

Open communication

If you really trust your husband, then let him enjoy the benefits of that. Let him leave his phone out knowing it won't be checked. Let him answer phone calls without being asked who it was as soon as he gets off. Let him go out with his mates without being grilled when he gets home. If you show this level of trust, what normally happens is he stays very open with you.

He'll have no problem telling you who that text was from at 10pm. He should have no problem recalling what went on when he was out with his mates (well most of what went on!). He'll have no need to be secretive because he doesn't have to fear your reaction.

Finally, remember when two people get married, they don't become one person. They are two individuals with their own lives who have chosen to spend life together because of love, common interests, mindsets - and trust.

For more great life advice from Jo Lamble, check out the latest issue of New Idea - on sale now!

Ask Jo a question