B Y B E N J H O T Y

USUALLY THE FIRST line many of us hear in the dark days of post-breakup gloom is, "don't worry there are plenty of fish in the sea". Great line . . . for fishing, perhaps.

Here's another one: not every fish is a great catch and if you're not careful it could be you who winds up thrashing about in a net. We've identified seven distinct patterns of behaviour often displayed by women in relationships that you need to watch out for. Deal with them now or you could find yourself doing it in couples' counselling later on.

THE GOLD-DIGGER
Identifying traits
She's interested in your job, car and career prospects. You'll always pay for dinner. Your gifts will need to be pricey; no sentimental crap. When you go on holiday it will be to a chalet on Lake Como rather than a beachside B&B.

Why
Let's face it, if you're with a gold-digger you probably ain't "no broke nigga" (to borrow from rapper Kanye West). "Some women feel a man's primary contribution to a relationship is financial," says Anne Hollonds of Relationships Australia. "It's not unusual for these types of women to be with men who like to flaunt their wealth."

Deal with it
"Describe what you want from the relationship and your partner," advises psychologist Natalie Rinehart, author of The Organics of Relationships (Michelle Anderson Publishing, $19.95). This could include a talk about financial parity and encouraging her to pursue career goals and passions. If the gold-digger doesn't like your picture she won't hang around.

THE MAKEOVER ARTIST
Identifying traits
The most treasured article of clothing in your wardrobe is that grey T-shirt depicting a goat hypnotising a man. She thinks it makes you look like a philosophy student and prefers you in dress shirts and chinos. Guess what you're going to be wearing to your next barbie?

Why
"Women have this ideal in their head. They see a certain level of potential in a guy and they think I'll just make over that last little bit that I don't like so much," says Rinehart. "It sets guys up for a fall."

Deal with it
Firstly, she may have a point about the goat T-shirt. Work out what your limits are and then make a firm stand. "Guys have to be centred," says Toby Green, a Sydney-based relationship psychologist. "For a start, this means knowing who they are. They have to know how far they'll go and have the guts to say this to the woman," she adds.

THE DRAMA QUEEN
Identifying traits
Tears gush like white-water rapids over seemingly trivial matters like her butchered pseudo-lesbian haircut, her bitchy boss or spilt milk. Instead of "Hello, how was your day?", you're more likely to be greeted with "Oh my god, you'll never guess what happened to me today!"

Why
"Women are how they feel. Men are much more objective observers to how they feel," says Green. "Feelings and emotions are like waves and some women get sucked into what's happening. Men are then in trouble because they don't take it as seriously as women do."

Deal with it
Drama queens are very negatively focused, so it's best to focus on positive experiences, rather than negative ones, Rinehart advises. You should also be prepared to display empathy. "Show that you understand that she is feeling what she says she's feeling," adds Green.

THE KLINGON
Identifying traits
Incessant text messaging. Calls five times a day just to hear your voice. Compliments you on everything. Declares her love for you within the first few weeks of dating.

Why
"These women aren't okay on their own," Green says. "You're supposed to be her saviour." While you'd think this would make most men run faster than you can say "fatal attraction", some blokes like the ego boost. "In the beginning he likes the compliments and attention," she adds. "Then he realises there's a hook attached, which is: don't ever go anywhere!"

Deal with it
Confront this behaviour immediately. "If a man starts pulling back, the woman starts moving forward faster and it just becomes a game," warns Rinehart. Set boundaries and make deals, advises Hollonds. "Tell her you love her, but agree that you'll only call her once a day and vice versa.

THE ICE QUEEN
Identifying traits
Frequent, unexplained bouts of frostiness, punctuated by terse replies to your questions. Sometimes called "The Denier", because when you ask what's wrong you're told, "Nothing!"

Why
"She might feel silly about what's upsetting her and worries that if she tells the guy what it is he'll think she's stupid," Rinehart says. It's also a classic punishment technique that prevents the man moving into problem-solving mode to help fix it. "If a guy's done something that he really should know is wrong, she wants to make him sweat," adds Rinehart.

Deal with it
Hit her with a dose of rationality, Green advises. "The smart guy says ‘Look, if you're not going to tell me what's wrong, there's nothing I can do about it. When you're ready to talk, let me know'."

THE NAGGERS
Identifying traits
Basically it's the same request repeated ad nauseum: "Can you pick up your towel?"; "You still haven't picked up your towel!"; "Why won't you pick up your towel?"; "Forget it! I'll pick up your bloody towel!"

Why
"Men have to take a lot of responsibility for nagging," says Green. "They chronically don't listen and when they do finally undertake the task, they don't do with it grace. They do it grumpily." Hollonds agrees, pointing out that in most cases a nagger is invariably matched with a stonewaller. "He digs his heels in and switches off and ignores her. But the more he switches off, the more she nags," she says.

Deal with it
Firstly, pick up the damn towel . . . gracefully. Then work together on things you often get nagged about. "If it's housework, devise a roster," Rinehart advises. "Then you can say ‘I can see that it's my turn to do the dishes'." And work on your listening skills. "Confirm you heard her the first time, not the hundredth time," recommends Hollonds.

THE MARTYR
Identifying traits
The opposite of the nagger, she won't hassle you about chores, she'll just do them all herself. If you try to help out you'll be sent packing and if you do complete a task it won't be good enough and she'll have to do it again, which she'll resent.

Why
"These women are using guilt to get some clout in the relationship," Rinehart reckons. "Some women don't feel they have much power or anything to negotiate with, so they use guilt as a negotiating tool."

Deal with it
Divide up responsibilities and explain that she has to abide by the list, Hollonds advises. "You have to tell her that these are your tasks to complete and even though you may not be able to do them as well as her at the moment, she has to let you try." Need some relationship advice? Contact Relationships Australia at relationships.com.au