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Billie Fitzpatrick
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Sexual Confidence--The 4 Essentials

Apr 19 06:05am

According to the American Psychological Association, 30-40% of women are somewhat unhappy with their appearance, while another 45% experience anxiety or depression due to dissatisfaction with their appearance. In other words, millions of women experience feelings of low self esteem and lack confidence about how they look -- and this has to affect how they feel about themselves sexually.

How can a woman feel empowered in her sexuality, attractive, and free to make good choices for herself if she feels unattractive, unappealing, and unworthy? Maybe a more constructive question is, How can we help women feel attractive and more confident about how they look?

First, don't compare yourselves to the women modeling in the glossy magazines or the starlets on the red carpet. These small, often underweight women are the exceptions, not the rule. (And I would guess that a fair amount of them experience disordered eating as a result of the pressure to be thin.)

Second, find one thing about yourself you do like and focus on that, dwell on it -- cherish that feature. Become more accustomed to those parts of yourself you do like. Write them down. Remind yourself of them. Affirm them every day.

Third, try to banish the negative behaviors that you turn to when you feel low or bad about yourself. Do you reach for food when you're feeling bad? Do you sit in front of the television with a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream? Now resist.

And fourth, when you next feel bad, make a choice to do something positive for yourself -- take a walk, read a book, call a friend. By resisting the bad choice and consciously acting on a good one, you will reinforce your self control. This builds confidence.

And confidence, Ladies, is empowering -- and sexy.

1711 Comments Report Abuse

1. cheverejd - Apr 19 07:47am

I'm a man, and I can tell you ladies, this is very true. Sexyness comes from self confidence, and it's not only for women, it's the same for us guys. You wanna know some of the most enticing words a woman has ever used to provoke me: "I will rock your world!!!" We men love to be with a woman who has that sort of confidence about herself, not cockiness, confidence, the one that exudes, looks like, smells like, tastes like, sounds like, and feels like, sex appeal.

2. joku_dyt1 - Apr 19 07:48am

sexy is confidence. :)

3. catnap321 - Apr 19 08:11am

Grrrrl Power - now that's sexy!

4. lurv_pink_roses - Apr 19 08:16am

I am SO SICK of being told that we should not compare ourselves to other people - in magazines or anywhere else. I hate to break this to you, Ms. Fitzpatrick, but everything in life is a comparison and a competition. EVERYTHING. Getting a job you have to compare yourself to other candidates and so does the interviewer or are you right for that promotion or is someone else going to get it because they have better skills than you do? Going to school you are compared to other students for example are you good enough to get a scholarship or not? Are you smart enough to get into such-and-such program or are there smarter people who are going to get that single opening? Getting a date you have to compare yourself to other women. If you are the least physically attractive one in the room you may as well go home, I don't care HOW great your personality is or how intelligent or witty you are. And men are constantly comparing you to other women. If you are not so pretty, they don't even see you let alone get to know you. How can you NOT compare yourself to other women? And when you keep coming up short, believe me, that does NOT help to bolster your confidence.

For me the one best thing I like about myself is something that is not see-able from the outside so to focus on it is pointless - its not like its going to be obvious to any one else. I do take walks and read books and call friends and it makes me feel better temporarily because it takes my mind off things. But that is all it does it is not some kind of confidence-building thing.

Life is all about being compared to others. You can tell yourself its not all you want but that doesnt make it true. The older I get and the more I learn and the more I am around people and see how the world works, the more furious I become when I read trite stupid advice like this that DOES NOT WORK when it comes to loving or being loved or finding a relationship. I feel like - how stupid do you "experts" think we are, that we are going to fall for these lies? They sound all pretty and wonderful but the reality is that if you are not pretty and sexy and confident naturally then NOTHING you do or think is going to make a difference. How about a little brutal honesty for a change?

I am only hoping that I have better luck in this area in my next life because this one is a lost cause when it comes to romance and love and sex.

5. dgrblds - Apr 19 08:48am

#4, I am a male, and I have to agree with most of what you say. however I will disagree with some of it, if I walk into a room with lets say 20 women in it the one who really has the makeup on, is dressed to the 9s and is saying look at me I am the best. that is the one I tend to avoid. for the most part she is the one who is so self centered, she has no idea what a real woman is, or how she should act.

6. klmonsour2004 - Apr 19 09:11am

And confidence is indeed sexy...from a man or a woman... =)

7. klmonsour2004 - Apr 19 09:17am

Come on now Shutter, I wear a little makeup and like to dress pretty n U didn't avoid me at the party on the O Killer...in fact you sent me (((huggs))) LOLOL! Must have been the stilettos... hehehehe

8. matthewdotterman - Apr 19 09:27am

the first step is to stop drinking alcohol. This slows fat burning down 73 percent and makes women pick up weight resulting in unwanted body fat. You can have fun without it. Join a gym and start taking strides to better yourself.

9. immana44 - Apr 19 09:36am

You are so right, i am somewhat overweight, but goodlooking woman, works out, dresses well.I was in New Orleans for the parades this winter and as my prtner and me stood around watching the crowd, i asked him, do you find me sexy? To my utter horror he said, no, but pointed to an older than me woman, dressed a bit shabby, dasncing on the street, and he said, she is sexy, she has confidence, you do not.

10. klmonsour2004 - Apr 19 09:46am

#4, I have to tell you, going to a gym and getting in shape not only helps your body but your attitude as well. It is also a place to meet new friends. I also believe there is someone out there for all of us, it's a matter of opportunity, however, opportunity doesn't happen if you stay home and feel sorry for yourself. Perhaps some counselling or a local support group would help to cheer you up and help you to begin to have a positive attitude. You sound sad, pretty much I'll bet about everything. Good luck to you. If you feel good about yourself, it will exude in your attitude and appearance without effort. Once again, good luck and happiness to you in your future.