Sitting in the pediatric clinic, I hear the same tone of voice. A father is telling his child to sit down and shut up. In all fairness, our clinic is a hard place for young children and their parents. Time goes by slowly in a small room where everything is off limits. So I'm not all that surprised to hear that angry tone. Still, it makes me wonder:

I wonder, is this parent's anger really necessary? What does it do to a child to live under constant threats? Does it make her more obedient, or more rebellious? Does she learn to pay attention to her parents in order to avoid getting yelled at? Or does she learn to tune out the parents until the threat level rises from yellow to red?

When I hear this tone, and the child is a patient of mine, I usually ask the parent, "Are you happy with your approach to discipline?" The answer is usually that yelling feels bad to the parent who is doing it. Sometimes parents can remember how they used to feel when their own parents treated them harshly.  Most parents would like to change, but don't know how. They think that their child's behavior leaves them no choice.

My job is to convince them that they do, in fact, have a choice. I know many parents whose children are active, stubborn, intense, and basically hard to manage. These parents speak to their children politely, often using "please" and "thank you." But when they give commands, their voice gets slower, lower, and quieter. Their tone says, now I am telling you, not asking you.

These parents have learned to give a command just once, and then take action. They say "You need to leave that light switch alone," and then if their child can't resist the temptation, they pick him up and move him to another part of the room. They say, "You need to stay in the room." Then, if their child can't resist the lure of the hallway, they move their chair in front of the door. Their children learn to recognize "the voice of authority" and know that they have to comply. They don't have a choice.

Of course, gaining authority as a parent takes more than just the right tone of voice. It takes the confidence that you will be in charge when you need to be, and the child's confidence that you will be in charge. A harsh, threatening tone of voice is a sure sign that that confidence is lacking, and that the parent needs to begin making changes and taking charge.